I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
