8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
