Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
