the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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