Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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