please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
