If that was your dad, he is hot
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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