i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
