soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
sarcasm needs its own font
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
