I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize