U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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