I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize