Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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