I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
