I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize