Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
