i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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