I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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