I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
