I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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