You just made me feel so damn special
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
