I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
