matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
