This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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