Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
