I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
