My nipple is on Facebook.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
