Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
