I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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