2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
