Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You are a genius and a whore.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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