She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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