It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
