There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
