Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe

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(443): View more from Maryland

yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function

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(503): View more from Oregon

Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.

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(559): View more from California

I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.

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(765): View more from Indiana

This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.

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(231): View more from Michigan

High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.

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