he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
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