Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
