I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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