It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
