This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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