this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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