So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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