I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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