You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he thought i was a dude.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
