I cannot find my penis.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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