My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
