This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
