I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize