i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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