The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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