it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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