i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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