Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
