i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
