The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize