we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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