He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
