i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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