She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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