There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
