The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
