My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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