Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
