I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
one two three fourrrrnication!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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