I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
my shit smells like andre
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
