just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
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