okay pat passed out under dana's car
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize