I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
